Gainingorlosing's Blog

I love myself, however I think of myself as a “big girl”
March 29, 2013, 1:10 pm
Filed under: Emotional health, Health | Tags: , , ,

I want you all to know that I did not wake up one day and realize I was fat, and suddenly gained 50 pounds. I’ve been fully aware of my size for as long as I can remember. I also have avoided the camera for as long as I can remember.
When I was 20 years old I lost 50 pounds, but kept all of the emotional baggage, including the baggage that only allowed myself to see a “big girl” in the mirror. When twenty pounds crept back on, when I transitioned to a desk job, I thought, “No big deal, I’m just a big girl anyways”.
Then I started college when I was 24, and I managed to gain 43 pounds in eight months! I can hardly believe it myself, my eating was completely out of control. During the past five years my weight has yo-yoed, in a 30 pound range. Whenever I say I’m going to change my life and take control, I bring out the scale, a tap measure, and a notebook. Thus making myself fully aware of just how big I have gotten.
Why is it different now you ask? If my life has been full of weight loss failure, what makes this time different?
First of all, I’m sharing it with all of you, so public humiliation can be one extrinsic motivator. Secondly, I have a different standard of success. Success will not mean losing 50 pounds. What I want is to: accept my size, be healthy, fit, energetic. I will not allow my success to be defined by a number on the scale, but by the food on my plate, the amount of weight I can dead lift, the time it takes me to run a mile, and the amount of time I spend on my yoga practice.